I've been here....battling bipolar depression and isolating. But I'm feeling ready to write again- for reals this time.
More than a year ago- October of 2020, to be exact- I made a promise to myself to blog more. I'd been thrown off track by the seemingly endless stream of collective dumpster fires our nation faced: a divisive election, an insurrection, COVID, racial unrest and reckonings; and I was sure that reading my musings on being an apprehensive middle-aged millennial mom figuring her shit out was the last thing on anyone's mind.
Bolstered by the support of my mom, partner, and mom support group facilitator, I wrote a post declaring my intention to hop back in the saddle and write my way through. I was infallible. I was passionate. I was determined.
I was also working through my first bipolar depression episode as a mom.
And fighting that invisible battle alongside the world's collective woes proved to be too much. Survival mode is putting it lightly; overwhelmed by the news and my brain, I retreated inward. My focus shifted to the most important priority- being as present as I could for my son and bonus daughter- and outside of our family home, my world disappeared.
Phone calls and messages from family and close friends went unanswered. I stopped taking writing jobs. Salsa dancing lost its allure. My partnership devolved into auto-pilot discussions about dinner, daycare, and doctor appointments.
Touched out and overstimulated by raising a toddler fully in his "terrible two" phase and a pre-teen bonus daughter dealing with puberty and its accompanying angst, I fantasized about going to the store for cigarettes (which I don't smoke) and never returning at least twice a day. (I joke, I kid...not really.)
Clawing my way back from the depths the past year and a half has been a rough journey. I've waited months to be seen at the VA (Veteran Affairs) by a psychiatrist. I've started new medications and dealt with intense side effects. I've waited months (again) to be paired with a therapist I'm comfortable with and can relate to. I'm learning to lean into my complicated feelings around what my life looks like now and am starting the steps toward radical acceptance (more on that in another post).
And it's working. Bit by bit, day by day, I'm re-emerging and edging ever closer to the light. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not 100% yet- not even close- but I'll take my wins where I can get them, and writing this post today was a win.
Point: Me.
